The Year In Beer: 2012

January 1, 2012, by Crafty Pint

The Year In Beer: 2012

Without doubt, 2011 was the biggest year yet for craft beer in Australia. But what about 2012? Can momentum be maintained? Can flavour, passion and creativity overcome marketing? What crazy new beers will come our way? Which new breweries will dazzle us? To save you the trouble of having to wait 12 months to find out, we looked into the Crafty crystal ball (or was it the bottom of a glass) and can reveal all……

January

Keen to gain a foothold in the craft beer market following its takeover of Foster’s, brewing behemoth SAB Miller launches an aggressive takeover of Victorian microbrewing veterans Holgate. However, in a case of corporate Chinese whispers, by the time word travels from their team of buyers on the ground to SAB Miller’s Dr Strangelove-esque underground HQ in an undisclosed overseas location, matters have become a little confused and they end up purchasing the Australian arm of Colgate.

Undeterred, they push ahead and launch a range of beer toothpastes. A document leaked to The Crafty Pint shows internal Foster’s emails stating: “Purchase of Colgate not a problem. Remember the 2010 Crown Ambassador that had become infected with that wild yeast? Remember how we knew the Australian beer drinking public wasn’t knowledgeable enough to notice?”

Executives' blushes are spared when a multi-million dollar “For a hoppier, happier smile” campaign featuring the distribution of Warnie dolls that squirt the exactly right amount of toothpaste at the perfect temperature from between its immaculately crafted teeth ensure bonanza sales in the first weeks after launch.

February

Angered by the inability of the fledgling associations established in 2011 to represent the Australian craft beer industry to find common ground, a third group announces its intentions. The Super Passionate Local & Innovative Tun ‘n’ Trub Experts Registered Society (or SPLITTERS) first rears its head in the middle of the month. No one is quite sure who is behind the association, which declares its membership to be open to “Any Australian who sources all of their ingredients within ten metres of their brewhouse” and states that it intends to help its members gain 50 percent market share within six months.

March

Upon realising that there are now as many craft brewing associations in Australia as there are comprehensive books on the nation’s breweries and bars, the nation’s publishers call an Extraordinary General Meeting. The outcome is the rushed release of a new book, the Ultimate Companion For Lovers Of Australian Beer Who Like To Travel With A Guide Book, which is completely unlike anything that’s come before and ensures there are once again more books than associations.

May

For the first time since Scotland travelled to play the Czech Republic in a European Championship qualifier in 1999, an entire capital city is drunk dry of beer. Well, that’s not strictly true: the draining of Melbourne turns out to be an unusually localised affair, centred on bars that specialise in craft beer. It occurs sometime between May 12 and 19, with detectives charged with investigating the mysterious occurrence particularly keen for anyone with information on a man measuring approximately 195cm and wearing an olive green Stone & Wood t-shirt to come forward. The man in question was seen consuming his body weight in beer every three hours throughout the week – without ever pausing to sleep – and it is believed he may hold vital information. If he can remember anything.

June

Despite the fact that no one has a clue what craft beer actually is or, if they do, who should allowed to be say they brew it, the Australian Bureau of Statistics reveals on June 17 that sales of craft beer have reached the magical three percent mark for the first time. Expert commentators from across the industry come forward to pontificate on what this means for Australian drinkers. None, however, nail it quite as well as Kelvin Mercer, David Jude Jolicoeur and Vincent Mason.


August

Following the runaway success of the Great Australasian Beer SpecTAPular at the Royal Exhibition Building during Good Beer Week, the event’s organisers at The Local Taphouse announce their plans for forthcoming events. Realising that the Royal Exhibition Building will not be big enough in the future, they enter into partnerships with Virgin Galactic and the China National Space Administration and declare that the 2016 event will take place on Mars, with invites to be extended throughout the known universe in all languages.

“We’ll be operating regular shuttles from the convertible bocce court at The Local Taphouse in St Kilda East every half hour from 8am,” says Sir Richard Branson. “Return ticket prices include your first tasting paddle and will get you back home approximately 14 months later.”

September

SPLITTERS fails to achieve its aim of securing a 50 percent market share within six months of launch. However, in a press release it reveals it has held several meetings at which it has discussed excise tax, the definition of “craft brewing” and potential dates for future meetings.

October

Moondog-8

 

Unbeknownst to the wider beer world, the brewing minds at BrewDog, Moon Dog and the Yeastie Boys joined forces for a secret brew while all three were in Australia in May. Going under the banner Dog Meets Boy, Boy Meets Other Dog, Questionable Things Ensue, they release a 98 percent, barrel-aged beer brewed with 100 percent scorched horse hair and 25 yeast varieties obtained from a sexual health clinic.

The result is utterly undrinkable and immediately becomes the top-rated beer in the world on Ratebeer. Rumours that the barrels were obtained from a rural South Australian bank are as yet unconfirmed.

November

Beer & Brewer Magazine announces another new category for its 2012 Awards: Australia’s Biggest Beer Nerd. Sadly, despite a shortlist of 7,148 people, no one turns up to collect the award at the ceremony in Sydney. An investigation reveals they were all in their bedrooms watching the results come in on Twitter while cursing Untappd for not allowing them to enter their evening’s drinking fast enough.

December

Silverton, Port Hedland, Lord Howe Island, Kiki, Ouyen, Esperance, Atherton, Bichenet, Tamworth, Stanley, Frankston, Broken Hill and the roadhouse at Kulgera are among the places to announce beer weeks for 2013.

When questioned about his plans for Kulgera, roadhouse owner Blue “Knackers” McGinty says: “We’re gonna neck a load of goey and see if we can drink piss nonstop for a week.”

And, finally, with visitors having fallen to single figures after upsetting the entire industry and most of its readership, The Crafty Pint folds.

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