Dr Benny's Crafty Fixes: Special Occasion Beers

October 9, 2021, by Benedict "Benny" Kennedy-Cox

Dr Benny's Crafty Fixes: Special Occasion Beers

Ever found yourself in an awkward situation involving beer? Are there times you've found yourself second-guessing just how a good citizen of craft beer would act? Stuck in a quaffable quandary and can't see a way out?
Meet Dr Benny, here to fix your every crafty dilemma.*

Dear Dr Benny,

I keep buying 750ml bottles of imperial stout and barleywine for a special occasion but cannot ever bring myself to open them. I’m running out of space to store food.

Please help.

Jesse, Queanbeyan 

Dear Jesse,

Sounds like your crafty journey has taken an unexpected turn that could be heading tragically towards starvation. 

I could tell you to get a bar fridge but that’s not an option for everyone, myself included. Judging by your purchasing pattern, however, this solution could just end up buying us some time and you’ll end up writing back in a couple of months with the same problem, except now you have a packed bar fridge too!

Alternatively, you could start a diet consisting of nothing but pantry items in order to begin a Beer First policy in your fridge. By cutting out butter, you’ll save on calories for the litres of pastry stout you have to get through!

But on a serious note, there is a problem far greater than that here: the pressure of the Occasion. 

Although you did not say so, Jesse, I suspect you are a goal-oriented person who is maybe a bit too hard on themselves, and has a high standard of what counts as a win, otherwise you’d probably just crack those stowaway coldies open, worry free, like the fearless craft beer Vikings of Valhalla.

Right now, you might feel unworthy of these likely rare and definitely pricey brews, so let’s get you good and worthy. 

Whether your goals are related to career, relationships, finance, or health, pick one you can realistically achieve in a week and organise a party to mark your achievement. I’m talking friends, family and even your boss if you feel loose enough. Struth, invite the mayor, just make sure you have a very public deadline. (Once restrictions allow big celebrations to take place of course, otherwise I'm trusting you to make this a Zoom meet!)

Celebrate your win surrounded by your nearest and dearest, head to the fridge, crack open one of your highly coveted 750ml bottles of champion juice, and bask in the eternal glory that is yourself.

As you sip the beer with a price tag that hasn’t quite faded from memory yet, you will realise a) there was really no need to have this extravagant party, b) you were worthy all along, and c) you are now probably expected to share some of your top shelf brews with the mayor and/or any other elected officials you invited.

The lesson I want you to take from these over-the-top, goal-smashing, party hosting hi-jinx is that you don't need to wait for an occasion to drink a fine beer; sometimes the beer IS the occasion. 

While it’s great to toast a fine beverage to mark a great feat, the two don’t necessarily have to go hand in hand. You can drink OK beer after doing something extraordinary and you can drink extraordinary beer just for doing OK.

And Jesse, it is my assessment that you are doing OK, so make like a crafty Viking, open one of your beers and savour every sip. Then fill the empty space left in the fridge with a carton of eggs or something else that will keep you sustained while you enjoy the rest of the beers.

Big Cheers,
Dr Benny

PS Spoke to some brewers. Stouts and barleywines can be stored longer term in a disused esky, kept inside out of direct sunlight at a consistent temperature.

Got a question for Dr Benny to tackle? Then drop us a line and we'll get the good doctor on the case!

Dr Benny is the alias of Benedict Kennedy-Cox who is best known as the face of Benny’s Beer Reviews (who we first wrote about here) and worst known for property damage done in his youth. He would like to make it clear he is not an actual doctor but really enjoys telling people what to do, occasionally online but mostly on public transport. His favourite Beatles album is their Greatest Hits Compilation.

*The Crafty Pint does not guarantee a 100 percent fix rate.


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