Dr Benny's Crafty Fixes: Cheap Mates

April 15, 2021, by Benedict "Benny" Kennedy-Cox

Dr Benny's Crafty Fixes: Cheap Mates

Ever found yourself in an awkward situation involving beer? Are there times you've found yourself second-guessing just how a good citizen of craft beer would act? Stuck in a quaffable quandary and can't see a way out?
Worry no more as help is at hand...
Meet Dr Benny, here to fix your every crafty dilemma.*

Dear Dr Benny,
Had an awesome weekend with my mates at Beermash in Fitzroy getting on their taps (how good!). Only thing was one of the fellas I was drinking with seemed to shirk out a bit on his round.
Whenever it was his shout he would get us a round of mid-strength, which was the cheapest one there, and say it was because "we needed to slow down a bit" – he might have been right once but he did it every time, and on top of that, when it wasn’t his round he kept asking to try something top shelf. We’re talking $18 for a pot compared to the $8 ones he was buying us.
How do I make sure he doesn’t do this in the future without coming across like a cheapskate myself?
Hayden, 28, Brunswick, VIC

Dear Hayden,

Let’s get one thing clear: your mate is a tight-ass. I bet he’s not even broke, probably made a packet of crypto but never has change when it’s time to pay for parking.

You need to ditch this deadset tosser.

Big Cheers,
Dr Benny

[Editor – Benny, can you please try to answer the question?]

[OK. Fine. But only because I am a trained professional.]

Haydz, from what I can tell, your mate knows full well what he is doing by treating his mates like the tab at a wedding where you haven’t really properly met the bride yet. While it’s OK to do this to wealthy strangers having a lush wedding, doing so to your friends is really very gross and inconsiderate.

Why are you hanging out with him anyway? Is he someone you can’t get rid of? Like a brother-in-law or someone who saved you from drowning once and you’re only alive today because of them. No matter how intrinsically linked you are, there is simply no excuse for ruining a great day slamming coldies with his Barefootarian antics. 

You would be well within your rights to call this out but doing so would certainly sour the atmosphere more than a Hope Estate Blueberry number. Socially, what he is doing is weird but he can get away with it because calling it out would be awkward and he knows it.

My cop to you would be to throw these social conventions back at him and put him in a situation that he can’t back out of...

Next time you all go drinking ask to start a tab. Your alleged mate will know that he’s been caught out and will either:

1. Say yes and pay his quarter of the bill as he should, because asking to revert to his money-saving mid-strength method would be socially unacceptable.

2. Say no and buy his own beers (which I guarantee will not include a single mid-strength) while the rest of you enjoy your tab.

3. Say yes and go ham on the tab, ordering more expensive beer than anyone else to get his money’s worth. 

If he attempts option 3, ask the staff for an itemised receipt at the end of the night and watch him shrivel. 

On the off chance this method does not work, please refer to my original suggestion and ditch this deadset tosser.

Big Cheers,
Dr Benny

Got a question for Dr Benny to tackle? Then drop us a line and we'll get the good doctor on the case!

Dr Benny is the alias of Benedict Kennedy-Cox who is best known as the face of Benny’s Beer Reviews (who we first wrote about here) and worst known for property damage done in his youth. He would like to make it clear he is not an actual doctor but really enjoys telling people what to do, occasionally online but mostly on public transport. His favourite Beatles album is their Greatest Hits Compilation.

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